The Journey Begins With A Problem

There were some amazing things that came out of my junior year in high school, even though it was really tough. Sometimes my family troubles made it difficult to feel normal. But that was the year my life changed forever, the year this art journey began.

I spent a large amount of time being totally frustrated and angry at everything in life. Things didn’t start to change till the middle of my junior year. I want to say it was early February when it all started to shift. My little brother and I got in some big trouble and had to go to alternative school for the rest of the year. It was like our little teenage prison sentence. But it wasn’t all that bad for me, just gave me more quiet time to draw and day dream, which is all I ever did anyway. But I also used that time to feed my curiosity and start dealing with some issues in life.

I was getting tired of all the anger and hatred that I was holding on to for so long. I decided to spend the rest of that school year living with my dad, and get away from all the bad influences of the city. So I transferred to West Texas in a very small town named Seminole, and went to school out there for the rest of the year. I still had to be in alternative school even though I was in a different city. But I really didn’t mind, because either way I didn’t know anyone. So there I was, basically living in the desert, where I had plenty of time to reflect and think about a lot of stuff. But it was my chance to clear my head and start over.

I also decided to take a break from the heavy metal I loved listening to so much. I whittled my choices down to Beethoven and The Doors, because everything else I had was too negative. I also started reading and trying to grow spiritually. All this was such a huge contrast between the guy that was full of hatred and mad at everything for so long. I owe a lot the change I went through to my mom, who had to deal with the brunt end of my bad attitude most of the time.

How Arguments About Religion Played A Role

Before living with my Dad, my mom was always trying to get me to listen about God, but we were constantly arguing. It was difficult to listen to Jesus, the Bible, and religion being thrown in my face every day, so I started to shut her out. There was one day we were in another argument of some kind, fighting over some huge disagreement. One day, she started trying to challenge me on the Bible, and agreed to never bring it up again if I could prove it wrong. I always love a good challenge so I said “fine, I will!”
So this is how my true relationship with God really began. I approached God, and began reading the Bible with anger, hate, and hostility. Yes, I was raised in a Christian home, but I didn’t feel like my relationship with God was authentic. Actually, the problems in my life were more real to me than God was. I now realize that I was allowing the problems in my life to be my god. Crazy to think about.

It’s interesting when we hear the countless stories of people picking up the Bible to discredit it, only to become the next Christian convert. My story differs a little, because when I read the New Testament it was so different than I expected. I was struck with how different the Jesus in my Bible was from the Jesus religion had taught me. It was so different that I was forced to question everything about church and everything. I was very intrigued at the way Jesus answered accusations thrown against him. I personally began to believe he was God based on the surprising creative nature of his answers. As an artist I could see that the answers he gave where are not natural, they were not of this world. To me that’s my personal proof that he was the son of the creator and he was God in flesh. I don’t think a 1,000 writers could have come up with the answers that he gave even if they had a 1,000 years to think about it. He responded with such creative insight and did it over and over again.

So here I was stuck in West Texas most boring place on Earth and I had the audacity to start reading The Bible. And what’s crazy is that I actually started to enjoy it. Because it was deeper than anything else I expected. I started to question how many pastors and other Christians read it for themselves. How is The Bible so deep, real, full of grit, and strength while the Christian culture so light, airy, and at times felt so fake? How could that be? All I know is that for myself I wanted to go down the rabbit hole further and further. Because I was the little kid who set in the back seat on a long car drive asking “Why mommy, why,” I said, “I need to know why. What’s your answer?” Can you tell me why? I need to know why.”

What Matters Now

I’ve been sitting here for a couple of weeks, realizing that I need to share more of who I am and what’s important to me. I’ve been having a hard time trying to do that, but I just realized what it is. I have a hard time sharing my faith because I can’t stand religion. And it never ceases to amaze me how misrepresented things can become. Jesus was misrepresented, his followers were, and in some way, we’re all misrepresented. When it comes down to it, I really do understand why people have a hard time going to church.

Here’s the thing, I also know how abusive the church can be, and has been. I have experienced that spiritual abuse 1st hand from someone I thought I could trust. I know what it’s like to have that kind of hurt interfere with your own beliefs on God. I understand how that abuse can destroy a person’s quest to learn more, or to even be curious about Christ. It’s so sad. I believe that people who abuse their office will have a lot to answer for when they meet the Lord. But should that stop me from pursuing what’s in my heart? Should that stop me from trying to find out the why? Should that stop me from wanting to know the truth? Does that quench the fire of curiosity it’s in my heart to want to know more? No, I won’t let anything come between me and my heart ever again.

I know that a lot of people out need to hear this, people who’ve been abused by the church, or other believers. They need to know that God is love, He is not religion. Religion is our feeble attempt to try to reach Him which is an impossible task. I have a saying, “The only religion is the religion of no religion.” All religion falls flat. The reason why Jesus is the way is because it’s God’s attempt to reach us, not our attempt to reach God. And His grace…the law of grace outshines all other laws. Yet, if you don’t believe everything I’ve said, you’ll find no judgment from me here. I love you and honor you wherever you are your own quest. And I welcome you to enjoy this art however it speaks to you. And if there’s anything I can do to encourage you, by all means, I would love to do so. But it’s not my job to tell you what to believe. My job to share who I am what I’ve seen. The Holy Spirit should guide you. I’m not the Holy Spirit. My job to love. What’s crazy is there’s only one thing that Christ commanded us to do as Christians. He didn’t say to enforce the 10 commandments or push all these other rules. But what did He say we MUST do? To love one another. Yet it seems like it’s the furthest thing from our minds, so sad. Well, I’m not gonna judge unbelievers and don’t want to judge other fellow believers either. I hope that feeling is mutual, because I have a lot of passion to know the truth, and enjoy the freedom that it brings.