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Every time I read this chapter I’m reminded of how I met Anne. I was at such a frustrating point in my life that year before I met her. I had all but given up on the opposite sex. I was tired of seeing so many girls I cared about being manipulated by guys in order to get whatever they wanted. I made a decision some time before, that I wasn’t going to do that. I didn’t want to be fake or superficial in order to win the woman of my dreams. But as it turns out, that’s not the most alluring way to attract women. So the year I met her I was at the peak of that sort of frustration and decided to throw in the towel. I was totally broken by the whole charade. I prayed and told God that if He wanted me to be single that’s fine, I accept that. But if He wanted me to have someone in my life then He would have to bring her to me because I give up. I also said He knew what my address was and if He wanted He could bring her right to my front door.
There was a time, even after she and I met, where it seemed we would never be together. Apparently my non-conforming don juan skills weren’t working on her either. But it was funny because the second time we “got together to hang out cuz we’re just friends” was on a day I remember trying to watch the Mavs win the finals. And here comes this little lady, my new “friend” Anne, barging through my front door with a bible in her hand, frustrated, and wanting answers. I always laugh because around that time she didn’t want to date, but she didn’t want to leave. So ok, that’s fine, I’m not dating anyone either, so cool. Well…that didn’t last long of course, haha. Does it ever?
So the reason I think of this story when I read this chapter is because that was the time in my life when I really started to understand faith. Faith doesn’t mean forcing yourself to believe by focusing every bit of energy you have on what you think is right. It’s actually recognizing your utter weakness and admitting that you can’t possibly pull it off on your own. You allow yourself to become broken and just let it go. Actually, someone who has faith is the person who can rest in the storm and yawn in the face of adversity. “Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10. Everything in life is bringing us to the blessing of being broken before God. Those who experience it find a gladness they never did, and those who don’t miss out on what it means to feel free. Because everything in this life is hardly what it seems. When you find your peace it comes in ways you may find hard to believe.
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“Verily, verily, I say unto you. Unless a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it remains alone: but if it die, it brings forth much fruit.
He that loves his life will lose it; and he that lets go of his life in this world will keep it for life eternal.” (John 12:24-25)
If you’re reaching a dead end it can be frustrating to see no way around or a way to start again.
Sometimes there’s no choice but to let go and believe it will all be ok, as you nervously accept that this is now underway. But this is the birth of faith, and how God manifests His ways.
For after we give up inside, we come face to face and see it eye to eye, moving beyond repentance and the habit of begging why.
For underneath the layer of lies we move through the rhythm of tradition and dive deep inside.
You have to let it all go and just become broken inside, it’s the only way to release yourself from this world’s comfortable lies.
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